Tabitha’s Neighborhood

since i saw matt last wednesday and we decided to start seeing eachother again, he calls me every day, just as he had done before we broke up. it's not that i mind, in fact, i'm extremely happy to hear from him. he's busy off and on at work, so when i call him, he usually has customers. it's just easier for him to call me.

i'm not making this easy for him, by any means, but with stuff like that, i feel like i am. should i not be answering when he calls every time?...on the flip side, i don't want to be too hard to get and push him away, given why we broke up. i'm afraid the further i push him away, that i'll push him right into dixie...could be the insecurity that's creeped into my psyche lately...

i've never been in this situation - i've never gotten back together with someone that i had previously dated, let alone in these circumstances and i'm not sure how far to really stay away and when it's OK to be available. he's really busy with work right now, so it's a little easier to stay away from him and not see him all the time, but as far as phone calls? he calls just to tell me he loves me...

he's one of those stubborn hipsters who doesn't believe in text messaging, so that's never an issue. i don't know...just don't really know what i'm doing in this situations and don't want to make any mistakes, or get taken advantage of, or be too easy on him...

i think i'm over thinking it.

i'm seeing him tomorrow.

friday matt called me - to tell me that he was meeting with dixie to tell her that they can't be friends any more. that night, i got a text from my little spy, liz, that dixie posted a message on facebook saying that she "just lost the most important person in her life and feels like crumbling into nothingness."

she actually said "crumbling into nothingness." how dramatic.

i talked to matt on sunday morning and he said that she kicked him out of the house and was calling him all kinds of names, etc. i'm glad he took care of that right away.

in other awesomeness - for the last maybe 5 or 6 years, matt has gone (as well as i), to a house party at dixie's on halloween and new year's eve. she lives with a bunch of other guys that matt is friends with. amber and i already have plans for new year's and i actually expected him to go to the house party and i would just have to be ok with dixie being there - turns out, that without any provocation from me, he's making alternate plans for new year's and is not going to the house party.

someone's on his best behavior...

*

sidenote: i finally heard back from super tall, hot tattooed guy (geoff) who i met last weekend and sent a facebook message to a week ago.

he said that he wasn't sure how he felt and that he wants to think about it.

what? regardless of matt - if he needs to think that hard about whether or not he wants to grab a drink with me, i'm going to decline my own invitation if he ends up calling.

that's weird.

also: i haven't heard from dean in a week. i'm glad that's done...at least for now. 

What’s the best action adventure epic ever made?
Sponsored by AVATAR. In theaters December 18. Buy tickets now.

Lord of the Rings Trilogy of course!

......snowinggggggggggggggggg

so i put twilight on my queue - i didn't want to be a part of the fanaticism surrounding it so i've been avoiding it like the plague.

you know what? i watched it. and it was kinda good. and now i kinda want to see new moon...i think my friends would make fun of me so i've been keeping this to myself.

i want an edward though. he's pretty hot. 

Today's Virgo Horoscope:
Dec 17, 2009

Today you're likely to put a lot of your energy into partnerships, whether business, personal, or romantic. Partnerships are likely to be especially beneficial at this time, dear Virgo, so even if you prefer to work alone, this is the time to explore the possibility of forming partnerships with those who share your ambitions. Romantic partnerships formed or advanced today are likely to prove stable and long-lasting, so don't let fear stand in your way. Move ahead!

let's hope so.

so last night i met up with matt.

we were meeting at this bar called palm...i remembered on the way there that there's no smoking. i picked it because it was chill and quiet. matt smokes, so that's why i bring it up.

i get there, and he's sitting at a table in the corner, reading. i go over to him and he immediately has this borderline sad or ashamed look on his face, coupled with a look of "sight for sore eyes." i mention that i totally forgot he can't smoke, so i told him i'd grab a beer so he could finish his, and we can go across the street to this other bar called lee's lounge because he can smoke.

he insists he doesn't need to smoke, and i gave him the look i always did...and i tell him that's what we're doing. it's a good thing too, because he chain smoked nearly all night.

we talked briefly at palm while finishing up our beers, it was an interesting conversation - small talk with bits of serious, relationship talk peppered in...like something within the small talk would trigger a dialogue about our relationship or the things we used to do together.

the conversation at lee's lounge got a little more weighed down with seriousness.

just to back track a little - over the last year, i've felt like matt hadn't made any effort in our relationship, he was distant and i always felt like i was being taken for granted. there was an odd air between us that we couldn't put our finger on, and seeing as though matt's not really good at contributing to conversations about our relationship, it was never really brought up, at least on his end.

so when matt's band went on tour in september of 2008, it was a little difficult for me. he was out traveling the east coast, partying and having a good time, and i was home alone. when he came home, i made a comment about how if he did this more often that i don't think i would like it...he think that's where things changed for him.

he said that he became distant because he felt like at some point i was going to make him choose between the bands and me...i told him that he could've just talked to me about it. he said that he feels stupid now for thinking that our relationship couldn't withstand a discussion like that - and it's mainly because he avoids confrontation. i do it to, so i can't blame him.

so that's where the disconnect happened.

the cheating thing happened because these feelings just snowballed and he was starting to feel scared and suffocated. he thought that he wanted the lifestyle of his hipster friends - partying, not being accountable to anyone or anything, not having serious relationships, etc. he said that he's learned in the last two months that we've been apart, that what he wanted was dumb. and that he's not doing anything different as a single guy that he did when he was with me, the only thing that's different is that he doesn't have me. he been noticing his friends that are a little older, still doing the same old shit they did when they were 22 and he's starting to see that they're relatively unhappy.

the only thing that i'm not happy about is that during the time after we broke up, when matt thought that i was never going to talk to him again and when there was no chance of us getting back together, he slept with dixie occassionally. i don't like it, but i guess i can't be too upset about it seeing as though at the time he didn't think that we'd be getting back together, ever. he said it was more like filling a void than anything else...still pisses me off.

there's so much more that we talked about, so i won't bore you with the details, but when it comes down to it, he is 100% committed to making this work (because i made sure to ask), starting from scratch and communicating with me in the future about the things that he's concerned with because we both think that all of this could've been avoided had he just talked to me about it.

i told him that he needs to cut off his friendship with dixie and that i need full disclosure. she's always around so i understand that she's not that easy to avoid, but if i hear she was somewhere where he was and he didn't tell me, i will automatically think something is going on. he was totally fine with that.

he walked me to my car...i hugged him for the first time in 2 months. our eyes locked, i quickly looked away and opened my car door...i turned back around to look at him and he said that i better get in my car or he'll kiss me. i told him that i can't say as though i didn't want him to - then he took my face in his hands and kissed me.

i'm hoping for the best. we're starting over. he's taking me out to dinner next wednesday.  

.....I wrote such gibberish last night!!!

....unlimited , some diesal fragance.  Ralph Lauren Polo advert makes me laguh its so old fashioned like you cant buy the frangranece unless you own a polo pony or a yaught.

Katerhine Jenkins is on now.  I quite like her....however tonight she sounds darn awful....yikes!..omg that was bloody awful.... poor thing.

some comedian onnow neverheard of him and cant even pronounce his name....hes very funny , doing skit about being posh and beign married to a northern irish woman who can hold a grudge for a hundred years...rofl!

Michael Bubble is on later....now adverts again....oh btw my nose piercing had healed. doenst hurt anymore, going to buy a nicer piece of jewellry now...

Bubble is on now, singing cry me a river....zzzzzzzzzzz.......

Peter Kay is funny.

Darn ive drunk all my wine :-( got another bottle inbut its red and ive beendrinking red and everybody knows not ot mix red with white or youll die.

My cat is really in a mood with me....im tired and dreaming of Lindt chocolate.

Think ill go to bed